Patagonia Guide Pants
October 28, 2008
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Function, function, function. These pants are built to DO stuff. The focus on function is a good thing, by all counts, but to every action there is an opposite (but in this case, not equal) reaction, so these pants have lost some fit and style points. I say the action is not equal because the minor style fusses I’m going to make in no way are enough to negate the sheer functionality of the guide pants, so you can decide what means more to you, perfection of style or perfection of function.
From the sheer number of times I’ve reached for these pants while assembling my kit, I’d say I’m the latter. I just try not to look in the mirror when I’m wearing them. When I first tried them, I couldn’t manage to get them to fit – the waistband is just too wide, the rise too high, and the suspenders pointless. Suspenders really aren’t the thing for ladies’ pants. Ladies are curvy and suspenders are not. Therefore the suspenders end up pulling the back of the pants away from the body. Eeek! Because of the suspenders, the pants didn’t come with a belt, and the waistband was too loose to think of wearing them without a belt. Which brings me to today’s tangent, which is all about high-waisted pants. I have one word for high waisted pants, and that is “ugh”. They are uncomfortable and unflattering at best, and they rarely fit right. If these guide pants had a lower rise, they would probably be my favorite pants. Instead, they’ve got a terrible combination of slim leg cut, high rise, and flabbily-sized waistband. Seriously, the waistband is way too loose, but the, er, rest of the pants are not. I would wager that taller women with straighter figures might really like this fit, but I don’t. I either get to crank down my belt, or go without and deal with the pants creeping down until the waistband is finally (hopefully) caught on my hips. Then I’m bustin’ a sag all day long. Not cute.
Recovering from tangent: I was able to find an old web belt to use with the pants, and now I wear them all the time. They are warm, comfortable, impervious to wind and water, and have great non-strap gaiters built in. They’re not really gaiters, they are really just an elastic cuff inside the regular cuff, but it’s really effective. The elastic is reinforced with sticky plastic that grips my boots so that mud and snow stay out. And some Patagonia design genius realized that most people’s cuffs brush each other when said person is walking, so the pants have a reinforced inner cuff, just like I used to have on my supercool stretch ski pants from the 80’s. The warm, stretchy construction allows for comfort in nearly all types of cooler and colder weather, and the reinforced knees, inner ankles, and booty are greatly appreciated by yours truly. I like the reinforced knees but I would LOVE it if the reinforcing ran all the way up the thighs as a little protection while brush cutting (and steer wranglin’, like ya do). These pants are tough, but you remember that little physics lesson I gave you, right? Well, in accordance with that Law of Whatever, if the pants are tough, they can’t be light. So, they’re not light. Details, details. But if you want to stay warm, you might have to carry some heavier pants. For me, warm is the priority.
However, true style mavens will find the thigh vent styling unforgivable. Why? Because the thigh vents run from hip to knee (excellent for ventilation), but they have a FLAP. A flap. Why, oh why do they need a flap? The zipper is waterproof and the flap doesn’t even sit flush, it kind of, well, flaps out. It doesn’t keep out any precipitation, and it makes my legs look thick where they’re not. The flap makes me look at least 15 lbs heavier with the vents closed, and, it’s even worse when the vents are opened. I swear they add 30 pounds to my silhouette when they are open. Thinking about what I look like in these pants makes me cringe. Luckily, their performance is so good that I don’t really care that much what I look like. I do really like the cut of the legs – slim, but flared at the ankle just enough to allow for bigger, clunkier boots. I am kind of “meh” about the two hip pockets, but am mystified by the back-of-thigh pocket. I have no idea what this pocket is all about, but the first thing out of all the Geargals’ mouths when I asked what they thought it was for was “tampon.” It’s sized about right, so unless there’s some super cool guide gear that fits in this pocket that I don’t know about, it’s going to be referred to as “the tampon pocket.”
So, mixed review, I know. I really do wear these pants all the time. They’re warm, weather resistant, and very tough. Wear and tear just don’t touch them. However, whenever I pick them up, I am always struck with a tinge of regret about the waistband and the flappy vents. So, lower the waistband, cut off the flaps, and add the reinforcement to the front of the legs as well as the back, and there you have a perfect pair of pants.
EDIT: I couldn’t stand it anymore and I cut the flaps off the leg vents. That’s right, with scissors. I took scissors to a $200 pair of Patagonia pants and just cut that thing right off there. And now the pants are perfect and flattering. So don’t be afraid, grab your scissors and get slicing.
